I cannot believe it has been one year since I began this blog, as you can see I did not follow up very well with posting and even less with the weight loss, in fact I gained. But today is a new day, a new year from when I began and I am on a different page in my life. Some major changes have happened. I lost my mother, my best friend, my cheerleader. She died May 8th, day before Mother's Day, and I miss her terribly. She was an amazing women who took anything life handed her and made lemonade. She was amazing, if I can be half as good as her, I will be proud. So with both parents having major health issues that related to their death, it was time for me to concentrate on myself, and making me the best I can be.
Six months ago I began the process of preparing for Gastric Bypass Surgery. My insurance requires a 6 month nutrition program to be followed. Now that I have completed every requirement of that program, I should be receiving my notification of it being approved any day and my surgery should be some time in February. January 24th, 2011, I began the required liquid diet, normally it's 2 weeks prior to surgery but my doctor wants me to lose 20 pounds so I will be at or under 50 BMI. Here's the scary part, the numbers....I, at 5'9" (the doctor says I'm 5'8" I refuse to believe I shrunk an inch), I weigh 345 pounds. My ideal BMI weight should be 165, or 150 for truly ideal weight. I'm over twice the person I should be.
Today I've started day 5 of the liquid diet, lost 11.5 pounds so far, but have come to realize this is much deeper then overeating. First 3 days, no problem, the shakes taste good, 3 a day I have banana and chocolate to choose from or mix them, then 1 low fat frozen meal for supper under 320 calories and at least 15grams of protein. I can have 1 1/2 cups of raw vegetables, sugar free Jell-O (sorry I have always hated Jell-O, getting to like it now...), and 64oz of water or beverage a day. Honestly I have not felt that hungry, only a few times about half hour before I eat. Learning to live with being satisfied, never stuffed, that's good. I remember one day the week before feeling bloated from eating too much junk food thinking, how good it will feel to not feel that way again. It's surprising how good my supper meals have been. I've been eating them slower, practicing applesauce consistency that is what I will have to chew my food to for the first few weeks after the surgery.
Day 4 hit and I lost it...All of the sudden I was feeling hungry, something didn't agree with me and I had what colon experience, let's just call it that. I laid in bed and cried at one point. I felt so deprived, it was Thursday night, or pizza night, I wanted that, and my favorite corn dip with Fritos, and chips, and chocolate, and donuts. I didn't feel it was fair I was going to have to give this all up, why me. And I remember parts of a book I had started reading and put down, God Women and Food; I remember one section saying that we often eat to cover up the feelings when we are feeling bad, we need to get use to feeling those feelings. So I thought what does it mean to eat those foods. I remembered family reunions, holidays, laughter, parties, being with friends, summers, camping, all my favorite memories food was there. I was trying to bring back those memories, those feelings by eating food and for awhile I feel better, but then I feel guilty and fat and ugly and bad, very bad. So I cried, and slowly the hunger pains went away, I got up, wiped off the tears, and it was time for my next meal. I will do more exploring on that topic in the future.
